Insidious Lassitude

The word ‘wiffle’ is, I had always assumed, a synonym for waffle, wibble, blather, blether, prattle, ramble, guffer, and others I could rhyme on to that list. I’d been using it in such a way, but investigation leads to me to believe that it doesn’t in fact exist as a verb.

‘Wiffle’, it turns out, is a game invented by Americans to be a kind of low-risk baseball. It seems baseball  is apparently now being classified as what Americans call an ‘Extreme Sport’. Played by ‘Arenaline Junkies’. In places that are ’sick and gnarly, dude’. Wiffle is like baseball for the proles and stupided, but without the dangerous and potentially litigious hard bats and balls. (They make ‘em out of soft plastic.) It’s also without the dangerous and potentially obesity-ruining running. (They play it in their back-yards.) And without too the potentially community-fostering inclusion of the individual on a team. (There are no teams. They play it by themselves, in a one man vs the rest of the world style.) How very American. A quick Google of Official Wiffle Rules yields: ”Because we’re so torporized, fat and unfit, ball-chasing and base-running have been eliminated, man. Tired of always being last at sports because you’re a fat lummox? Sick of having no open land to play ball? Try new Wiffle, it’s 110% fun! (Bats and balls available separately)”. I’m paraphrasing there. But I’m not here: “This is fun. Fighting and arguing will not be tolerated”. Got that, buddy? The rules state that there are no rules, but you must do what we say. If you’re not having fun, or your not having fun in the way we defined, or if you don’t like it, or don’t conform to our rules and you start fighting amongst yourselves then America will toast you up. America will smoke you outta your Wiffle Bases and run some big tanks all over your bats and balls. We won’t be using no plastic bats when we come over there either; we’ve got Nimrods. And don’t be thinking that God or Allah is gonna save ya; we are the big guns, got that, boss? 

So, wiffle is not a verb, but a noun for American imperialism. Connoting, as it does: risk-free Disneyland-living; the homogenization (with a ‘z’, for that is how it is to be spelled, ok pal?) of culture; having one’s free-will subjugated by strict adherence the tenets of the Wiffle Ball Rules; and, also …war is good, yee haa, high-five me home-boy! That’s the pretext of any usage of the word ‘wiffle’. So in this blog there’ll be none of that on my watch, ok comrade? It’ll be the good ol’ English vernacular from here on in. Ok, dear fellow, chap, me old china?  

Whilst bringing nothing new to ‘waffle’, the compound term ’wiffle-waffle’, does at least exist. Or it does according to urbandictionary.com. (”Busy life? No time to stop and look-up words? Work, gym, lunch and wine-bar commitments? Worn out and stupid from lugging around a book of words you’ll never use? Try new urbandictionary.com; the dictionary that fits in your handbag - and fits in your life!”) Esteemed lexicographers that they doubtless are, they say wiffle-waffle “denotes someone who can’t make a decision or take a course of action. AKA ‘Analysis paralysis’”. Ah, it’s like looking myself up in the dictionary. They also define it as to ”say a lot, but mean not a damn thing, bud”. I’m starting to suspect that Urban Dictionary is written by Americans, but they say it’s analogous to ‘filibustering’. They could have easily gone on to suggest that it’s the kind of thing done by someone in the grips of inertia-fuelled lassitude. Someone wearily making substance out of nothing. Seems wiffle-waffle is related to  terms like ‘prevaricate’. Or ‘tergiversate’. Ah, it’s like looking up this blog in the dictionary.

So, there’s the modus operandi of this blog outlined for me. 

From further rooting around I found something called the ‘Wiki Wiffle Bat’. It’s an award given out by Wikipedia (mostly Americans, I’d guess) to honour (their words, not mine) those who have “shown exceptional skill in the areas of logic, rationality, dispute resolution/mediation - particularly in the face of flames and general animosity. These people keep swinging in the face of long odds and distant goals!” It’s named after a game with no rules; a game that can’t be won. It’s for people “who stand their ground despite being faced with a person or people that could easily be mistaken for solid brick walls”. Oh, I don’t want it. I’m too shy. Stop it, you’re making blush. Such an award is not meant for one so delicate as me. Give it to the Americans.