Insidious Lassitude

Ok Dave, here’s my idea for the new Conservative local government election broadcast. What I was thinking was that we could plonk you down in the middle of the 1950s. Maybe you could wear a crisp white shirt. But not in a staid way, Dave. No, no, we’ll tuft you up just enough to give you a raffish edge, don’t worry. Now, I know what you’re thinking: ‘edge’ is a strong word. I know, I know, but we’re just looking for a hint of it, just a tinge. Sort of like Clark Kent. You’re a bit like Clark Kent, Dave. Sort of smooth, but with a slightly rakish air - a tuft of hair, a waspish hand gesture, a tie that’s a touch too knotty - just an undercurrent that hints at the superpowers that lurk within you Dave.

So, we’ll pop you down in the 1950s and, you know, we’ll surround you with period pieces - whisky tumblers, leather-bound books, pictures in nice frames. Oh God no, don’t worry, you won’t be able to see the actual images; no no, it’s more about the frames Dave, the frames. We want it to be homely, yet austere. See what we’re doing? Anyway, I thought what would be really nice would be if we desaturated the film slightly to accentuate the ‘time of greater certainty’ schtick that we’re working. Maybe give it a bit of a warm glow too. Warm in that brown and homely way. You know, like a nice worn leather chair that holds your buttock firmly but softly, know what I mean? We want to evoke things like that - a safe and comfortable environment, things that you can trust, that get better with age. Nice, warming, traditional things. Dependable but stylish. Sort of like a nice brandy.

So, we’ve got you cossetted in the 1950s, now what I thought was that we could have you talk earnestly to the camera. Not too earnestly though; remember, you’re a man of the people, Dave. You want to be serious, but at the same time retain that glnt in your eye. You know, you’re cheeky smile is ever-present; it has to be, we’re hanging our whole shebang on it. But also, we want to show your steely resolve. Remember Clark Kent, Dave. Yes, he was approachable and down-to-earth, but underneath that starched shirt was a barrel-chested vigilante. You’re a vigilante, Dave. You’ve the eye of the tiger. You’re a rufty-tufty bureaucracy-baiting streetfighter. We want to be sure to make a feature of that. So, what I thought was that you could pick up some paperwork, and toss it disdainfully aside. Show it no mercy, Dave! You know, really be swashbuckling in demonstrating your utter disgust at it. Give it some bravura; maybe a little pout of the lips after you’ve done it. We’ll make it a nice thick wadge, so it makes a satisfying slap when you pulverise it and dismiss it - quite literally - out of hand. No, no, it doesn’t matter what’s written on the paper. It can be anything, it’s not important. What’s important is the gesture. We’re saying that you’re a hard-cookie; you’re going to be tough on unspecific and varied issues. It’s all in the gesture, Dave; all in the gesture.

You’re going to need dialogue, Dave. So here are some lines I wrote for you. These are just ideas, you understand. I know you like to freestyle, so, you know, just riff Dave, just riff. But here’s some starters for you:

“A decade ago the internet was just a buzzword. Now it’s changing our lives.”

Remember ‘The Webcameron’, Dave? Oh God, what a masterstroke that was; I’m such a wit, aren’t I Dave? Ah, such japes! Anyway, remember the glorious success of the Webcameron. Well, we’re going to bring it to the party again. We can’t afford to leave a weapon like that on the sidelines. Whatever you do, make sure you mention the internet, and how whizz bang you are with it. People today love the internet, Dave. They’ll think you’re the right man to lead this country if you show that you know stuff above it. It’s a signifier of the modern age, you know. The new modern age. Like ships used to be the modern age; now computers and rockets are the modern age. And you - you Dave - you’re our captain, our commander. Oh, no, no, don’t worry about dropping it into your dialogue when there’s nothing in the scene that is newer than 1955. Of course it doesn’t look like you actually are just using it as a buzzword. Don’t be a silly-billy Dave.

“We know what real change means”

When you say that we’ll cut to a wide-shot of the 1950s. No, it won’t look silly. What we’re saying is that we know what real change is: it’s founded upon the past. Those superficial things - modern objects and the like - are just that, Dave, they’re not the implements or appliances of real change; we are. Or, more accurately: you are, Dave. No, of course that doesn’t condradict what we just said about the internet and stuff. Don’t worry, the modern world can be full of contradictions, Dave. Nobody will notice. Say something about crime or taxes quickly afterwards just to make sure you distract them wit the ol’ kneejerk sleight of hand. It’ll be fine. Remember: they’re stupid. 

“[In other countries] they’ve put local people in charge of the police, and made them accountable to them. That’s what we’re going to do here, and it’ll make a real difference”

Just after you’ve made a show of tossing the papers aside, talk about how we’re going to give people the power back. Oh it doesn’t matter what it means, Dave. Come on, it has the appearance of meaning something. People won’t question it. Don’t worry. Of course it doesn’t sound like we’re advocating putting drug dealers, paedophiles, murderers, and lepers in charge of the police force. That would be daft. By local people we mean local citizens. Poor people aren’t citizens, Dave. Not like you and I. And anyway, no one local to Hampstead is a peadophile, Dave, and I should think that it’s the same Britain over.

“Why is all this change important? Because the world is changing”

Oh yes! That’s the clincher. Stare off into the distance prophetically when you deliver it. Oh Dave, it’ll be devastating! No, it doesn’t mean anything. You know that. You do ask some funny questions, Dave. But you’re a likeable sort and I think we can work with that. The public are going to love you! Now, get in that soft leather chair and emote.

Oh, and no, no, none of ths will make you look podgy, Dave.