Insidious Lassitude

Oh seriously, just put the cigarette in the picture. We’re all adults here. We all know smoking isn’t cool - unless, perhaps, if you’re are a very particular type of actual bone fide rock star. And even then no rock mythology is adequate prtoection from the cancers and other life-destroying diseases and conditions with which it kicks out the jams. Those jams are so very far from cool that, even upon the most narcisstic reflection, it’s an absolutely tragically bad idea. And not even tragic in a cool way, kids. I wouldn’t do it, no matter how many pointy shoes you indie me with. But, terrifyingly gravitous medical ramifactions aside, these guys just look silly. And that’s no good when you’re young and undiseased and are endeavoring to connote this information through the cut of your jib and jeans.

If the point of this 50s-themed catalogue that plopped through my letterbox was to reprise imagery from back in the day - and it is a fashion shoot, after all - then what does self-consciously deploying cigarette cool without the cigarette connote? Like the imagined narrative is interupted by a pesky postmodern carcinogen. Like the cigarette is a phantom, but the vestige of cool is still there in the actions of smoking. ‘Hey guys, we can’t use cigarettes cos it’ll make us look like dafties, and it’s probably, like, against the law or sommat, you know. But, God, isn’t it just so cool, and so, like, now. So I’m thinking we’ll just stage the photos without the cigarettes. It’ll be, like, pretend smoking. Like this is the pretend 50s. And like I’m a pretend Visual Director pretending to have any visual litr’acy at all.’ If you’re enamoured by that imagery enough to want to wear it or sell it, then just smoke. Or don’t smoke. But do it emphatically. A jejune third way of charade smoking surely undermines the founding principle of that sort of rebellious, smooth, gutsy, knowing, cool. As well as being tragic - in an emphatically uncool way, kids - one must also laugh. Paddington Bear is even pursing his lips to blow imaginary smoke like James Dean in an NHS TV commercial. ‘Look kids, this way you can still look classically signifier stupid, but be unadorned with the associated tumours and the palaver of carting dialysis paraphernalia around with your Fred Perry.’ It’s the spirit of rebellion captured, gagged, and packaged up in rolled up trousers with non-chafing and unrivetted seams. Brilliant.

I’m too bored to disillusioned to remember what my point was or look up and see whether that satisfies it. I think I’m sated now though. Or just distracted by something else. Ooh, look…